


That insubordinate subordinate

by coldweathergal



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23278813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldweathergal/pseuds/coldweathergal
Summary: Just some collections of five times something happens and one time it doesn't. All about the bromance between Jane and Abbott. Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Talking to Jane

"Jane. Office. Now."

The man of the hour, that immature maverick, saunters in unconcernedly.

"What?"

Abbott sits down. He can't _wait_ to hear Jane's explanation. "Williams? Remember?" Jane looks pensive, then shrugs. With no explanation forthcoming, Abbott glares at him. "Unacceptable."

"Meh. Not."

"What?" His voice is low, threatening (and slightly puzzled). Jane remains unmoved.

"Necessary. Useful. Commendable. Intelligent."

"Jane, _would you talk sense_?"

"Oh. I thought we were seeing how long we could talk in one-word sentences. I was describing my latest actions."

Abbott tamps down a highly inappropriate feeling of amusement and begins his lecture.

* * *

"There's no way I'm going to let you go ahead with it. Have you gone crazy?"

Jane grins. "Oh, I've always been crazy. It's kept me from going insane."

Though it is spoken flippantly, something makes Abbott pause. He has a distinct feeling that that's probably far more true than Jane would ever admit to. Jane stares back, not giving an inch. Abbott recalls his mind to the matter at hand.

"I don't care, Jane. No is no, so don't go and do it behind my back."

"I could always plead insanity."

" _Jane_..."

* * *

Lisbon is yelling at Jane on her phone.

"What the hell are you thinking? Have you forgotten the last eight thousand times you ran off and you needed me to rescue you? Now for the last time, _tell me where you are_!"

Abbott can't hear what Jane says, but Lisbon takes on an apoplectic tint before turning to him and handing him the phone. "Here. He says he wants to talk to you."

Abbott takes the device, somewhat surprised. "Jane?"

"Oh, Dennis. Good. Thanks for taking the phone. I just didn't want to hang up on Lisbon."

_Click._

* * *

"...then the dog ran up with the glove in its mouth!"

"Jane, you can't expect me to buy that. It's ridiculous. Impossible."

"Now, I wouldn't say that. Merely... improbable."

"Jane, you're not going to get off on semantics. Improbable, impossible, it comes down to the same thing: You're lying."

Jane just sits there, grinning his insufferable grin. "Now, Dennis. Something improbable may be plausible; something implausible may be possible; and impossible is just something that hasn't been done yet."

"How long have you been waiting to say that?" Abbott asks drily.

"About six weeks."

* * *

"You know, that chicken actually looks like you, Dennis."

"Jane! Just - just get it out of my office!"

"Well, I didn't put it there," Jane says, offended. "You can ask the janitor."

Abbott grumbles. Of course the janitor will back up Jane's alibi. Jane's either hypnotized him, or tricked him, or blackmailed him into lying.

"Regardless, I don't want to find anything like this again," he says sternly.

This is just great. Not only does he have a chicken to worry about, but he has to find the janitor, make sure the man wasn't hypnotized.

* * *

Abbot watches from his office as Jane pulls Lisbon in for a kiss. He notices that Lisbon reciprocates briefly before pulling away and smacking Jane's arm.

He smirks as he recalls Jane trying to convince him that he wasn't interested in Lisbon. He wonders, somewhat maliciously, what Jane would say if he pointed out that he, Abbott, had actually had a better clue what Jane wanted than Jane himself.

He amuses himself with possible scenarios for a moment before dropping the idea. He can be the bigger man. It's enough to know that he was (is) right.


	2. Messages for Abbott

_SOZ._

Abbott stares at the text, puzzled. It's Cho, with his more comprehensive Jane-translator, who figures out what it means.

What it means, as it turns out, is that Jane's solved the case, has found himself on the wrong end of a gun (of a murderer), and has decided to act the part of a romantic hero.

Apparently Jane is a master of understatement.

It's also, though Abbott doesn't realize it at the time, the first such message Jane has left for him. Little does Abbott know it's the beginning of a proud tradition.

* * *

Abbott watches tolerantly as Jane spins some yarn about subconscious to their impromptu audience.

He gets nervous, however, when Jane asks him to read what's in his pocket. He finds a folded paper which he reads out loud: " _George Forson was having an affair with his secretary Alliso_ -"

Unfortunately George, a man whose muscle extends all the way to his brain, decides that tackling Abbott so he can't finish reading will allay suspicion.

Abbott lectures Jane all the way home. Catching suspects Jane's way is all fine and good - but only if Abbott doesn't get hurt.

* * *

"Apologize to her, or I'll suspend you for two days."

Jane eyes Abbott for a few seconds before shrugging. "See you Wednesday."

Abbott sighs, unsurprised. "I'll string you up if I see you before then, clear?"

Jane just waves as he leaves. Abbott sits back smugly. For once he's had the last word. It isn't much, but he's learned to take his victories when he can.

That's when he espies the Post-It note on his desk in Jane's handwriting.

_She deserved it. (Did you really think you'd get the last word?)_

* * *

_Hey Dennis! I know you're screening my number, but I need you to come bail me out. 'Specially since I'm wasting my one call on you. DON'T call Lisbon, she'll kill me. She hates it when I end up in jail._

Abbott sighs, already knowing his quiet, intimate evening with his wife is ruined. He's going to give Jane a piece of his mind when he sees him...

_I'm at Station #6. Listen - tell your wife I'm sorry for wrecking her evening._

Lena's eyes sparkle with amusement. "Go! I'll be fine."

* * *

_Jane, I know it's you who stole my cheesecake, because you've been avoiding me. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that you visit my office when you find this._

_Dennis, I have not been avoiding you; you have simply not been where I am all day. That is why this note is going on the fridge under yours. I most certainly did **not** steal your (positively delicious) cheesecake, but whoever did was doing you a big favour. I'm sure Lena would not be happy to find out that you're cheating on your diet._

* * *

"You need to apologize to Abbott," Lisbon says.

"It was a trap to catch the suspect! Plus, it worked perfectly."

"You slashed his tires. He deserves an apology."

"Apologizing is humiliating," Jane whines.

Lisbon rolls her eyes. "Well, just write a note, then. You don't have to do it face-to-face."

Jane brightens up. He's composed three drafts in his head before he realizes what's happening.

Lisbon watches his face change. "What?"

Jane waggles his finger at her. "Very clever, trying to get an apology in writing. Nothing doing, woman."

Lisbon grins. "Just go say 'sorry'."


End file.
